I used to think holding space was about willing something to happen. So I would stand there trying to make something happen with my mind without getting too tense or tight or upset that nothing was happening. It didn’t work very well and I really couldn’t focus on what I wanted to happen without the tension.
As I learned more I realized holding space wasn’t about making anything happen so then I thought it might be about apathy. I stood there trying to be completely impartial to what was happening and distant from it. Lo and behold this didn’t work that well either. By trying to be impartial I was creating a wall around myself that distanced me from the situation and I absolutely couldn’t remain present and impartial at the same time.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that holding space was really none of those things. It really just requires you to be present, compassionate, and fluid enough to allow the world to move around you.
Now when I find myself wanting a result too much or becoming anxious and tight I just think about wrapping the world around me with a blanket of love. It’s a quiet way of focusing my energy without becoming pushy or intrusive. I’m not willing any specific result and my intention is to just provide any comfort I can given the situation. Isn’t that the definition of holding space?
Within that blanket of love I find I can shed my layers and find some separation between me and the horse. Because I’m such an empathetic person that separation can be important for me or else I take on the anxiety and physical ailments that course through the horses’ veins.
The hardest part of holding space for me was and always will be giving myself permission to feel what I feel in the situation and not try to stifle it or change it. Part of holding space is loving yourself enough to validate your feelings and sit with them instead of judging them. Otherwise the judgement takes over the space and intrudes on the horse even if they weren’t the subject of your judgement.
Practically this is something I struggled a lot with with London last year. He gets almost neurotic in the winter and can be like a ticking time bomb. Being around him would make me tight and anxious not because he scared me but because his energy was so strong and I was feeding off of it. I judged myself incredibly hard for not being able to stay relaxed and calm in those situations. I felt like my empathy was a failure to him because I couldn’t support or dissipate his energy. Isn’t that really another way of saying I judged myself because I couldn’t “fix” him? As a result I did fail him, but it wasn’t because of my empathy it was because of my judgement on myself that led me to resent his anxiety.
Once I was able to reflect enough to sit in love for myself and compassion for his plight he could start to shed some of that anxiety. Obviously holding space is no magic cure, but I can now work with him in the appearance of calmness by holding my blanket of compassion tightly around him. I can still feel his energy bubbling up, but it dissipates before it boils over. And when I start to feel tight or tense I just think about that loving hug and how I can cushion his every movement and feeling with it.
There is something quite unique about my situation with him and I can say the energy he gives off doesn’t feel exactly like anxiety although it holds its roots there. There is a manic unbalanced edge to it I’ve never felt before that I only feel from him in the winter time when the cold wind and fog rolls in. It’s something I’d love to explore more with energy work, but has certainly been a difficult one to get to.
When I do energy and bodywork I set the exact same intention as when I’m training. I wrap the horse in love. If I want to be a little more specific I might think about their body relaxing in a specific place, engaging softly, or elongating. But my overall message remains to fill them with love and allow them access to whatever they may need to pull from me or the universe.
As I’ve spent more time holding space it’s been incredible the small ways it can make such a big difference. It takes mindfulness and presence to a new level and has become a part of how I interact with my horses and the world. I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am without holding space and I feel like it communicates a grace to the wold that I wasn’t able to give before.
I firmly believe most of the world’s issues would be solved with space being held better and I’m hoping this blog finds everyone in a space of peace and grace this holiday season. Sometimes what is supposed to be so joyful can end up being tough and painful for those around you so holding space and allowing them to find their way with grace and compassion will make their holiday season a little bit brighter.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!
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